Fragile: Feelings Over Thoughts

Feeling of a familiar mingling of relief and a mild flutter of nervousness. Some days this was easier than others. She’d even thought she might see him sitting out by the pool, their bottle of wine already open, her glass waiting. But no. The sun had already dipped below the horizon and there had been no one home to turn on the lamps against the evening. She felt a low grade anxiety, a nagging loneliness. They didn’t fight about that; they’d fight about something else. Maybe they’d be on better behavior.

She might even have kissed him. He always makes goofy jokes. He remembered something that was important to him but she had long forgotten. She’d sat stunned and breathless. It wasn’t as if he raged, or lost control, or even moved physically towards her. But she’d felt a malice radiating off him in palpable waves.

People used it to hide from one another. It stripped communication of expression and tone, essential markers for meaning. She avoided it when possible. Avoiding specific things, he’d said to protect her privacy and her oath. Silence would have annoyed her. She’d have rightly assumed that he was multitasking, not quite listening to her. She knew he was processing her words, turning the possibilities of the incident over in this mind. Maybe it wasn’t always a problem.

Everyone’s relationship was complicated. He’s always in trouble when he was in high school. She didn’t get the reaction she expected. When you feel that. You know you’re over the line internally. Lifting a hand and closing her eyes. Over the years they’d been friends, rivals and then friends again.

You can’t touch him. He’s just different. I hate to say it. I’m afraid of him. We have to save ourselves sometimes. You should know that. This was what happened. Abused boys became dangerous men. Those around them with a self-preservation instinct, even the people who loved them, started to move away.

Characterized by the typical angst and yearning, maybe even a bit of anger. She wondered what that said about him, if there was a whole universe inside him that she just couldn’t visit. She could force a conversation, which might turn into a fight. Or just let him come to her when he was ready. Feeling that strange loneliness again. She always knew what to do, what to say. She so often feels at a complete loss.

His ways of thinking, that with anger, hard words, and harsh punishment. She returned and she felt the quickening of her pulse when he still stayed silent. She needed to show him that he didn’t intimidate her, if that was what he was after. She had no reason to be afraid. But she found that she was. She tried not to worry. She’d learned not to. If there were something to worry about, she’d know right away. There was so much more meaning in silence than in any words spoken. Always unemotional, pragmatic. Sometimes, even when they were only separated by feet or inches, he seemed so far away, untouchable. When did it happen? When did this strange distance grow between them.

#Fragile